Every relationship is unique, but I’m sure most of us dream about walking down the aisle with the one we love. Also a whimsical affair, marriage in the long term take a lot of work and making the decision to commit yourself to somebody for the rest of your life should not be taken lightly.
The list of questions to ask yourself to ensure you are making the right decision could be infinite, but these are a few we feel are important.
Can I Truly Be Myself?
You can’t be truly at peace if you cannot be who you truly are. That’s a fact. When we first meet a person, we usually tend to show them the best sides ourselves. We give them our best looks, our best manners and our best attitudes, until we get comfortable. It’s then, at the comfortable phase of a relationship when we really know whether or not we are compatible with a person. Do they still find me attractive in a vest and a pair of sweatpants? When you’re having a ‘bad hair week?’ When you’re moody or when you’re so wrapped up in your work that they can barely get a look in that week? Do they mind if you’re super loud in public or that you’re an introvert and try and avoid being around people? Your quirks. Your flaws.
What Are Their Goals For The Future?
Nobody wants to set up home with a bum. Having goals and aspirations is a must. Putting all your eggs into the basket of somebody who has no desire to make a success of their life will equal a bucket load of more work for you.
Years ago, after getting into a relationship with a grown man who had no sense of direction in his life or any real life goals, I learned the hard way. My days were spent working, my nights were spent cooking, cleaning up after him and trying to find him work. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with supporting your partner if they’re trying and going through a rough spot. I’m not against that at all. Everybody needs a little help sometime, but having ambition should be a given.
As well as what their goals are, ask yourself whether your goals line up as a couple. If you’re both ambitious but he wants 11 kids and you don’t want any at all, this could be a problem. If you want to travel the world and your partner isn’t even interested in stepping foot outside of the city…this could also be a problem. If he’s looking for a wife to stay at home, not work and taker care of the kids and you have your heart at pursuing your career and being a high-powered businesswoman, this could lead to some issues. I’m a believer in couples
Sexual Compatibility – Is It There?
Sex is important. Chemistry is important. You do not have to be having sex with a person to acknowledge whether or not you have chemistry. You will be able to tell. If it’s not there. It’s not there. Don’t force it. Marriage will not make you find them desirable overnight. It doesn’t work like that. A healthy, happy sexual relation is hopefully one of the things you should can look forward to after you’re engaged or married, so don’t cheat yourself. If it aint there, you can’t fix it!
Can I Handle Their Temper?
A strange one perhaps and highly controversial, but this was a piece of advice handed down to me by my older cousin. A person’s temperament matters. How they troubleshoot dilemmas and how the react when they do not get their own way or are angry. For the majority of us, we are able to keep ourselves in check even when we are brought to anger. For a small few, they are unable to control their tempers and the results can have tragic results.
My cousin’s advice was that it was important to see a person’s temper before you follow through with make any major commitment to a person. You may not be about that life, for real! I’m not saying to make them angry at all. Definitely do not push a persons buttons on purpose, but when you see them angry, really pay attention. Pay attention to their words. To their facial expressions (especially those microexpressions).
Growing up as a child, I was regularly exposed to domestic violence. My primary carer was a man who was pretty much able to charm any woman he pleased and he only ever showed them his temper once they were already invested and had moved in with us. It was only then that they’d see his temper and realized it wasn’t something that they could manage or want to live with let alone, be married to. In hindsight, I can see that with each and every one of these women, there were clear signs if they had been focused on him and not on the smokescreen he was using to lure them in. When angry, he would ball in hands into a fist and open and close his fists to calm himself down. He would clench his jaws and grind his teeth and his temples would be pulsating. He was angry. Often. Most days about something. Pay attention.
Are We Both REALLY Down?
By the time you’ve gotten to the point where you’re both considering marriage, you should know most of what you need to know about your mate. You’ll know whether they’re love is unconditional, if they have your back and are trying to ride til’ the wheels fall off. What if they gained a lot of weight? If they were (God forbid) really sick or suffered from depression? Would they stand by you? Would you stand by them and support them and nurse them back to health if needed? You’ll be promising to do these things when you exchange your vows. Do not say “yes” unless you’re in it for the long haul. This means warts and all
What’s 20 Years Down The Line Look Line”?
Close your eyes and ask yourself this very simple question; 20 years down the line, do I still see myself happy with this person?
If the answer is “yes”…then you probably have your answer.
What are some other questions you feel should be asked before saying “Yes” to the ring?
-Ayara Pommells (@YahYahNah)